Today's song: Who Knew? - Pink
You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
I've been thinking a lot about Jay (my ex-boyfriend/ex-best friend). He was the one who helped me through living in a house with my parents. He was the one I laughed with, the one who took me to do cool stuff that I didn't even know existed. He swore up and down and sideways a thousand times that he was always going to be there for me, whether as a friend, or as more.
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
We broke up a year ago, and for a while, I tried to keep in touch. Some would say that I'm crazy, because he hurt me in ways that I did not deserve. He raped me. I don't care what people say - it's still rape if you agreed to sex earlier in the evening. It's still rape if you're sleeping next to him in bed.
It's rape.
It's rape when he starts fucking you when you're still asleep, and you're not ready, and you're not turned on and you're completely dry. It's rape if he does it out of anger because of the fight you had a couple hours earlier, and you wake up to see the person you love thrusting into you with this mask of cruelty on his face. When you lie there, thinking this must be a nightmare (it has to be - I have nightmares all the time), but slowly realize that it isn't. You're being torn apart. You're bleeding. You're shaking uncontrollably. "I think I'm going into shock" is the most you can get out, and his response is to throw a blanket over you and keep going. He's not even drunk. This is happening sober.
That's rape.
And the worst part is, you can't tell anyone, because he's so sorry the next day, and he still wants to try and be your boyfriend. And he's been your best friend for years, and he saved you from so much of the misery of what your parents did to you.
My university friends would think I was crazy for staying with him. My high school friends would hate him for doing that to me. And although he hurt me terribly, I owe him one for saving me from my parents. So I figure if I keep his secret, we're even.
I did tell Seb though. It helped a bit.
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
We kept in touch for a while. We'd sent emails back and forth. We both started dating other people. I definitely feel like I 'won' in terms of quality. His girlfriend sounds nice, but just a little bit limited in how smart and interesting she might be. I've never met her though. But I doubt she's in Seb's league.
Then, I got an email where he explained all the ways that I had hurt him. Most of them can be summed up as "You acted like a person who was depressed." I've figured out why - I was depressed. Oh wait, I've known that for years. So had he. It turns out long distance and depression don't make a good combination.
Anyways, he said communicating with me made him nauseous, so I gave him an out. I told him to let me know when he might want to be in contact again. I just want our friendship back, because it was pretty good before it got so screwed up.
He hasn't written since.
I'm going back home in a couple weeks. I don't know yet whether I'm going to break my promise and call him.
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
I've been dreaming about Jay. Not always nightmares, although sometimes still. That night he raped me is not going away any time soon. Mostly about being friends again. I dream that he brushes me off, and I chase after him, apologizing. I dream that I'm trying to talk him into forgetting that we had a fight, and he thinks about it, then walks off. I dream that we're fighting wolves together in a fiery inferno, but that's probably not quite as symbolic.
Who knew?
I'd just like to be friends again. First I want to march up, all whole and healthy, and show him that I'm hotter than ever, well on the way to holding an engineering degree, clever, fun and involved in many exciting things. I want to show him how I was not beyond redemption after all.
But then, I want to have a friend again.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Better Than Nothing
Today's Song: Better Than Nothing - Sarah Jaffe
The album that this is on came out a little while ago, but I only discovered it recently. There's a lot of things I like about this song. It flows well, but the words don't seem like they were picked just to rhyme (as is the case in too many songs). There's some depth of emotion in the music. I like the hints of strings in the background.
What happens to the girl?
I'm scared. I didn't realize fully what I was losing when things with Jay fell apart. He had become a big part of my life right after my best friend at the time left the country and my parents both betrayed me worse than I thought they could. I had just been hurt by the three most important people in my life, and I didn't want to trust again. He talked me into loving him, and I admit, it was probably unwise to love him that much.
Now, I'm with Seb. He's so smart and he's caring. He makes me laugh and gets my jokes. He cooks, then he cleans the dishes. He holds me when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming and clawing my face off because of the nightmares. He understands what it's like when your parents aren't the unconditional force that you thought they were. He's what I always imagined when I thought about who I would be with. And I can't love him the same way I loved Jay.
Don't get me wrong. I love him. He's great. I don't think there's really a better guy out there. But I never feel the same wave of emotions that I used to. I think it's my heart being smart and deciding that I shouldn't care that much again.
What happens to the boy?
He's seeing someone new, although it seems to be a mostly physical thing. He's still hurting from me leaving him, which part of me regrets, and another part of me thinks is bull, because he did things to me that are not only against the rules of a relationship, but also against the law, had I reported it. I didn't, of course. Who needs to announce to the world that another person didn't love them enough?
I had forgotten what you mean to me. I forgot a lot of things.
I hadn't actually talked to Jay for ages. I never knew what to say. But recently, Seb got a job offer for the summer. It's a really good offer - the kind of thing every student in his program would want, and something that also is directly applicable to his dream career. It's in the other corner of the continent though, and since it's a research position that doesn't pay well, he won't have money to come back at all.
Normally, this wouldn't be such a catastrophe, but the last time I said goodbye to a boyfriend for 4 months, it was Jay, and obviously our relationship didn't last. Seb is still deciding whether he's going to go, but I decided to be proactive, and while I was lying awake at night a few weeks ago, I wrote Jay a long email asking why he thought the distance tore us apart, and what I can do better next time. I know it was a little mean, to throw my new relationship in his face, but his feelings are an on-and-off priority for me lately.
When he replied though, it reminded me of all the intensity of the various feelings that I've had for him. So how do you deal with the reminder of love, when you're not even sure you're ever going to love again?
The album that this is on came out a little while ago, but I only discovered it recently. There's a lot of things I like about this song. It flows well, but the words don't seem like they were picked just to rhyme (as is the case in too many songs). There's some depth of emotion in the music. I like the hints of strings in the background.
What happens to the girl?
I'm scared. I didn't realize fully what I was losing when things with Jay fell apart. He had become a big part of my life right after my best friend at the time left the country and my parents both betrayed me worse than I thought they could. I had just been hurt by the three most important people in my life, and I didn't want to trust again. He talked me into loving him, and I admit, it was probably unwise to love him that much.
Now, I'm with Seb. He's so smart and he's caring. He makes me laugh and gets my jokes. He cooks, then he cleans the dishes. He holds me when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming and clawing my face off because of the nightmares. He understands what it's like when your parents aren't the unconditional force that you thought they were. He's what I always imagined when I thought about who I would be with. And I can't love him the same way I loved Jay.
Don't get me wrong. I love him. He's great. I don't think there's really a better guy out there. But I never feel the same wave of emotions that I used to. I think it's my heart being smart and deciding that I shouldn't care that much again.
What happens to the boy?
He's seeing someone new, although it seems to be a mostly physical thing. He's still hurting from me leaving him, which part of me regrets, and another part of me thinks is bull, because he did things to me that are not only against the rules of a relationship, but also against the law, had I reported it. I didn't, of course. Who needs to announce to the world that another person didn't love them enough?
I had forgotten what you mean to me. I forgot a lot of things.
I hadn't actually talked to Jay for ages. I never knew what to say. But recently, Seb got a job offer for the summer. It's a really good offer - the kind of thing every student in his program would want, and something that also is directly applicable to his dream career. It's in the other corner of the continent though, and since it's a research position that doesn't pay well, he won't have money to come back at all.
Normally, this wouldn't be such a catastrophe, but the last time I said goodbye to a boyfriend for 4 months, it was Jay, and obviously our relationship didn't last. Seb is still deciding whether he's going to go, but I decided to be proactive, and while I was lying awake at night a few weeks ago, I wrote Jay a long email asking why he thought the distance tore us apart, and what I can do better next time. I know it was a little mean, to throw my new relationship in his face, but his feelings are an on-and-off priority for me lately.
When he replied though, it reminded me of all the intensity of the various feelings that I've had for him. So how do you deal with the reminder of love, when you're not even sure you're ever going to love again?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Near to You
Today's Song: Near to You - A Fine Frenzy
This is coming a long while in the future. Truthfully, I had forgotten about this experiment, but I want to come back to it now. Today's song, Near to You, by A Fine Frenzy is my explanation.
Musically, it's lovely. It includes haunting piano, vocal variation and dynamics. And it tells a story that is both descriptive, and yet could apply to so many situations.
He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional it couldn't last
The best friend I talked about over a year ago (let's call him Jay)? I wrote that post 3 days before he decided that he finally wanted something more. It was the beginning of a year and a half of both the best and the worst relationship I've ever had.
It was a fantastic time. We spent so much time, talking about politics, school, ethics, music...anything and everything. We also talked a lot about my family, which was a big deal at the time, because I was living in terror of the physical and emotional abuse that I was going through. If I had listened to this song then, I would have said that it could be about how he was helping me heal from the damages that I was carrying around in my head.
I got into the program I wanted. He didn't get into his.
So after half a year of me crying on his shoulder, I went away to school in the big city, and he went the opposite direction to the middle of nowhere where the university is bigger than the rest of the town.
Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced
It sucked. It was amazing, and academically challenging, and fun. I got to learn things about math and science and engineering that brought back all the geek-enthusiam I've always known.
After a couple exhilarating weeks full of frosh week and meeting new people though, I started to realize that things weren't getting better. I didn't have Jay to lean on (Skype is wonderful, but not the same). I had left my parents behind, but their voices were still there in my head. I started thinking about suicide.
The year dragged on, and it got worse. I tried antidepressants, but they didn't work. They made it worse.
Jay didn't know what to say. He said the wrong things. He said nothing at all and changed the subject. It wasn't his fault. I was in rough shape.
You and I is something different and I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, but I am working oh so hard to get back to who I used to be
And along came Seb. Where he came from is a funny story, because he's probably the biggest change of first impression I've had to make. Regardless, he was suddenly in my life, saying he'd be around. We bonded instantly, and the feeling of knowing someone who understood what I was going through was dizzying. We made some pretty poor decisions, but I wasn't in any shape to turn down something that would take my mind off the pain. But now I had someone to talk to.
Jay left. Months before we sat down and I told him it was over, he gave up. It was awful, and the comparison between him and Seb made it so much harder to appreciate what little he was giving me. Not his fault. He had no idea what pain felt like.
He came to visit, once. He stayed a week, and it was a disaster. He hurt me in all the ways that I had been hurt before, and he swore that I would never be hurt again. He hurt me in new ways too. I cried for days after he left, and then I went to tell Seb that I was giving up.
I'm better near to you
I didn't do it in the end, though I came damn close.
I'm dating Seb now, although that hasn't changed anything about the way he's there for me. I hope so, at least. I have fairly substantial trust issues, but he has them too and he understands.
I'm happy about living again though. I feel as though I can do life, with or without Seb, though with seems to be working out well for us. It's hard though.
This is coming a long while in the future. Truthfully, I had forgotten about this experiment, but I want to come back to it now. Today's song, Near to You, by A Fine Frenzy is my explanation.
Musically, it's lovely. It includes haunting piano, vocal variation and dynamics. And it tells a story that is both descriptive, and yet could apply to so many situations.
He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional it couldn't last
The best friend I talked about over a year ago (let's call him Jay)? I wrote that post 3 days before he decided that he finally wanted something more. It was the beginning of a year and a half of both the best and the worst relationship I've ever had.
It was a fantastic time. We spent so much time, talking about politics, school, ethics, music...anything and everything. We also talked a lot about my family, which was a big deal at the time, because I was living in terror of the physical and emotional abuse that I was going through. If I had listened to this song then, I would have said that it could be about how he was helping me heal from the damages that I was carrying around in my head.
I got into the program I wanted. He didn't get into his.
So after half a year of me crying on his shoulder, I went away to school in the big city, and he went the opposite direction to the middle of nowhere where the university is bigger than the rest of the town.
Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced
It sucked. It was amazing, and academically challenging, and fun. I got to learn things about math and science and engineering that brought back all the geek-enthusiam I've always known.
After a couple exhilarating weeks full of frosh week and meeting new people though, I started to realize that things weren't getting better. I didn't have Jay to lean on (Skype is wonderful, but not the same). I had left my parents behind, but their voices were still there in my head. I started thinking about suicide.
The year dragged on, and it got worse. I tried antidepressants, but they didn't work. They made it worse.
Jay didn't know what to say. He said the wrong things. He said nothing at all and changed the subject. It wasn't his fault. I was in rough shape.
You and I is something different and I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, but I am working oh so hard to get back to who I used to be
And along came Seb. Where he came from is a funny story, because he's probably the biggest change of first impression I've had to make. Regardless, he was suddenly in my life, saying he'd be around. We bonded instantly, and the feeling of knowing someone who understood what I was going through was dizzying. We made some pretty poor decisions, but I wasn't in any shape to turn down something that would take my mind off the pain. But now I had someone to talk to.
Jay left. Months before we sat down and I told him it was over, he gave up. It was awful, and the comparison between him and Seb made it so much harder to appreciate what little he was giving me. Not his fault. He had no idea what pain felt like.
He came to visit, once. He stayed a week, and it was a disaster. He hurt me in all the ways that I had been hurt before, and he swore that I would never be hurt again. He hurt me in new ways too. I cried for days after he left, and then I went to tell Seb that I was giving up.
I'm better near to you
I didn't do it in the end, though I came damn close.
I'm dating Seb now, although that hasn't changed anything about the way he's there for me. I hope so, at least. I have fairly substantial trust issues, but he has them too and he understands.
I'm happy about living again though. I feel as though I can do life, with or without Seb, though with seems to be working out well for us. It's hard though.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
All She Wrote
Today's Song: All She Wrote - Default
I should probably start by saying that music has a huge effect on my life. From the song I choose my alarm to play, to what I listen to on the bus ride to school, to the tune I'm humming between classes, I'm hugely selective about what's playing in my ears (or in my head) on any given day. Sometimes it's about the lyrics, sometimes it's about the mood, sometimes it's about finding a sweet new song that I just can't get enough of, but I'm rarely content just to put my iPod on shuffle and relax. Most days, there's one or two songs that just fit my mood and/or thoughts perfectly, and that's what I want to share, along with a bit of the story behind it. And so on to the first song of the day: (lyrics are bold and italicized)
It hasn't been a very cheerful day. The weather was cold and windy, and I think we're starting to get the first snow of the year, though it's closer to rain. This song is also not enormously cheerful, though the tone is more regretful than depressed. It was the lyrics that really fit with what was on my mind though.
I can't explain what it's like not knowing if I'll ever cross your mind...
Next year, I'll be going away to university, and don't get me wrong, I'm psyched. Home kind of sucks right now, so the chance to take off and put it all behind me is looking really good. However, the person who matters the most to me is here. This guy is the most amazing person I have ever met, and the closest friend I have, save one who I've known since I was six and is currently a few thousand miles away. In an unprecedented streak of luck, our dream schools happen to be in the same city. The only problem is, that both the programs we want to get into are extremely competitive in different ways, and so suddenly I actually care. I want this more than anything else I can possibly think of right now. And what if we don't end up there together? I have no clue - hence the lyrics. I know I matter now, but we spend upwards of an hour just talking one-on-one every day. What happens if we're miles apart and busy adjusting to new lives? I hope that it wouldn't matter, but I have a feeling that it would. I have no idea how much I mean to him. And I'm afraid to ask.
Was it all a waste of time? Tell me why was I such a chore.
One of the reasons that I'm a little afraid to know the truth, it that I'm a terrible inconvenience. I have an undiagnosed health problem that causes symptoms ranging from chest pain to fainting. And I'm emotionally unbalanced. I'm really not good at trusting people with my problems. So the 2 people who I do trust tend to get hit with an enormously bothersome amount of drama about my crappy home life and rampant insecurities, or at least have to deal with the moods (not pretty ones either) that come from living through it. I'm not exactly sure why they put up with it the way they do, other than the fact that I appear to be wildly amusing to the general public when I'm in a good mood (supported by the fact that I often get tagged in facebook notes under "last person to make you laugh") and I'm usually a pretty safe bet if you need help in math or science. But I still can't help wondering if maybe someday it won't be worth it any more, and I'm going to find myself very, very alone.
Cheeful, eh?
I should probably start by saying that music has a huge effect on my life. From the song I choose my alarm to play, to what I listen to on the bus ride to school, to the tune I'm humming between classes, I'm hugely selective about what's playing in my ears (or in my head) on any given day. Sometimes it's about the lyrics, sometimes it's about the mood, sometimes it's about finding a sweet new song that I just can't get enough of, but I'm rarely content just to put my iPod on shuffle and relax. Most days, there's one or two songs that just fit my mood and/or thoughts perfectly, and that's what I want to share, along with a bit of the story behind it. And so on to the first song of the day: (lyrics are bold and italicized)
It hasn't been a very cheerful day. The weather was cold and windy, and I think we're starting to get the first snow of the year, though it's closer to rain. This song is also not enormously cheerful, though the tone is more regretful than depressed. It was the lyrics that really fit with what was on my mind though.
I can't explain what it's like not knowing if I'll ever cross your mind...
Next year, I'll be going away to university, and don't get me wrong, I'm psyched. Home kind of sucks right now, so the chance to take off and put it all behind me is looking really good. However, the person who matters the most to me is here. This guy is the most amazing person I have ever met, and the closest friend I have, save one who I've known since I was six and is currently a few thousand miles away. In an unprecedented streak of luck, our dream schools happen to be in the same city. The only problem is, that both the programs we want to get into are extremely competitive in different ways, and so suddenly I actually care. I want this more than anything else I can possibly think of right now. And what if we don't end up there together? I have no clue - hence the lyrics. I know I matter now, but we spend upwards of an hour just talking one-on-one every day. What happens if we're miles apart and busy adjusting to new lives? I hope that it wouldn't matter, but I have a feeling that it would. I have no idea how much I mean to him. And I'm afraid to ask.
Was it all a waste of time? Tell me why was I such a chore.
One of the reasons that I'm a little afraid to know the truth, it that I'm a terrible inconvenience. I have an undiagnosed health problem that causes symptoms ranging from chest pain to fainting. And I'm emotionally unbalanced. I'm really not good at trusting people with my problems. So the 2 people who I do trust tend to get hit with an enormously bothersome amount of drama about my crappy home life and rampant insecurities, or at least have to deal with the moods (not pretty ones either) that come from living through it. I'm not exactly sure why they put up with it the way they do, other than the fact that I appear to be wildly amusing to the general public when I'm in a good mood (supported by the fact that I often get tagged in facebook notes under "last person to make you laugh") and I'm usually a pretty safe bet if you need help in math or science. But I still can't help wondering if maybe someday it won't be worth it any more, and I'm going to find myself very, very alone.
Cheeful, eh?
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