Today's Song: All She Wrote - Default
I should probably start by saying that music has a huge effect on my life. From the song I choose my alarm to play, to what I listen to on the bus ride to school, to the tune I'm humming between classes, I'm hugely selective about what's playing in my ears (or in my head) on any given day. Sometimes it's about the lyrics, sometimes it's about the mood, sometimes it's about finding a sweet new song that I just can't get enough of, but I'm rarely content just to put my iPod on shuffle and relax. Most days, there's one or two songs that just fit my mood and/or thoughts perfectly, and that's what I want to share, along with a bit of the story behind it. And so on to the first song of the day: (lyrics are bold and italicized)
It hasn't been a very cheerful day. The weather was cold and windy, and I think we're starting to get the first snow of the year, though it's closer to rain. This song is also not enormously cheerful, though the tone is more regretful than depressed. It was the lyrics that really fit with what was on my mind though.
I can't explain what it's like not knowing if I'll ever cross your mind...
Next year, I'll be going away to university, and don't get me wrong, I'm psyched. Home kind of sucks right now, so the chance to take off and put it all behind me is looking really good. However, the person who matters the most to me is here. This guy is the most amazing person I have ever met, and the closest friend I have, save one who I've known since I was six and is currently a few thousand miles away. In an unprecedented streak of luck, our dream schools happen to be in the same city. The only problem is, that both the programs we want to get into are extremely competitive in different ways, and so suddenly I actually care. I want this more than anything else I can possibly think of right now. And what if we don't end up there together? I have no clue - hence the lyrics. I know I matter now, but we spend upwards of an hour just talking one-on-one every day. What happens if we're miles apart and busy adjusting to new lives? I hope that it wouldn't matter, but I have a feeling that it would. I have no idea how much I mean to him. And I'm afraid to ask.
Was it all a waste of time? Tell me why was I such a chore.
One of the reasons that I'm a little afraid to know the truth, it that I'm a terrible inconvenience. I have an undiagnosed health problem that causes symptoms ranging from chest pain to fainting. And I'm emotionally unbalanced. I'm really not good at trusting people with my problems. So the 2 people who I do trust tend to get hit with an enormously bothersome amount of drama about my crappy home life and rampant insecurities, or at least have to deal with the moods (not pretty ones either) that come from living through it. I'm not exactly sure why they put up with it the way they do, other than the fact that I appear to be wildly amusing to the general public when I'm in a good mood (supported by the fact that I often get tagged in facebook notes under "last person to make you laugh") and I'm usually a pretty safe bet if you need help in math or science. But I still can't help wondering if maybe someday it won't be worth it any more, and I'm going to find myself very, very alone.
Cheeful, eh?
