Near to You

Today's Song: Near to You - A Fine Frenzy

This is coming a long while in the future. Truthfully, I had forgotten about this experiment, but I want to come back to it now. Today's song, Near to You, by A Fine Frenzy is my explanation.
Musically, it's lovely. It includes haunting piano, vocal variation and dynamics. And it tells a story that is both descriptive, and yet could apply to so many situations.

He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional it couldn't last

The best friend I talked about over a year ago (let's call him Jay)? I wrote that post 3 days before he decided that he finally wanted something more. It was the beginning of a year and a half of both the best and the worst relationship I've ever had.

It was a fantastic time. We spent so much time, talking about politics, school, ethics, music...anything and everything. We also talked a lot about my family, which was a big deal at the time, because I was living in terror of the physical and emotional abuse that I was going through. If I had listened to this song then, I would have said that it could be about how he was helping me heal from the damages that I was carrying around in my head.

I got into the program I wanted. He didn't get into his.

So after half a year of me crying on his shoulder, I went away to school in the big city, and he went the opposite direction to the middle of nowhere where the university is bigger than the rest of the town.

Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced

It sucked. It was amazing, and academically challenging, and fun. I got to learn things about math and science and engineering that brought back all the geek-enthusiam I've always known.

After a couple exhilarating weeks full of frosh week and meeting new people though, I started to realize that things weren't getting better. I didn't have Jay to lean on (Skype is wonderful, but not the same). I had left my parents behind, but their voices were still there in my head. I started thinking about suicide.

The year dragged on, and it got worse. I tried antidepressants, but they didn't work. They made it worse.

Jay didn't know what to say. He said the wrong things. He said nothing at all and changed the subject. It wasn't his fault. I was in rough shape.

You and I is something different and I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, but I am working oh so hard to get back to who I used to be

And along came Seb. Where he came from is a funny story, because he's probably the biggest change of first impression I've had to make. Regardless, he was suddenly in my life, saying he'd be around. We bonded instantly, and the feeling of knowing someone who understood what I was going through was dizzying. We made some pretty poor decisions, but I wasn't in any shape to turn down something that would take my mind off the pain. But now I had someone to talk to.

Jay left. Months before we sat down and I told him it was over, he gave up. It was awful, and the comparison between him and Seb made it so much harder to appreciate what little he was giving me. Not his fault. He had no idea what pain felt like.

He came to visit, once. He stayed a week, and it was a disaster. He hurt me in all the ways that I had been hurt before, and he swore that I would never be hurt again. He hurt me in new ways too. I cried for days after he left, and then I went to tell Seb that I was giving up.

I'm better near to you

I didn't do it in the end, though I came damn close.
I'm dating Seb now, although that hasn't changed anything about the way he's there for me. I hope so, at least. I have fairly substantial trust issues, but he has them too and he understands.
I'm happy about living again though. I feel as though I can do life, with or without Seb, though with seems to be working out well for us. It's hard though.