Better Than Nothing

Today's Song: Better Than Nothing - Sarah Jaffe

The album that this is on came out a little while ago, but I only discovered it recently. There's a lot of things I like about this song. It flows well, but the words don't seem like they were picked just to rhyme (as is the case in too many songs). There's some depth of emotion in the music. I like the hints of strings in the background.

What happens to the girl?

I'm scared. I didn't realize fully what I was losing when things with Jay fell apart. He had become a big part of my life right after my best friend at the time left the country and my parents both betrayed me worse than I thought they could. I had just been hurt by the three most important people in my life, and I didn't want to trust again. He talked me into loving him, and I admit, it was probably unwise to love him that much.

Now, I'm with Seb. He's so smart and he's caring. He makes me laugh and gets my jokes. He cooks, then he cleans the dishes. He holds me when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming and clawing my face off because of the nightmares. He understands what it's like when your parents aren't the unconditional force that you thought they were. He's what I always imagined when I thought about who I would be with. And I can't love him the same way I loved Jay.

Don't get me wrong. I love him. He's great. I don't think there's really a better guy out there. But I never feel the same wave of emotions that I used to. I think it's my heart being smart and deciding that I shouldn't care that much again.

What happens to the boy?

He's seeing someone new, although it seems to be a mostly physical thing. He's still hurting from me leaving him, which part of me regrets, and another part of me thinks is bull, because he did things to me that are not only against the rules of a relationship, but also against the law, had I reported it. I didn't, of course. Who needs to announce to the world that another person didn't love them enough?

I had forgotten what you mean to me. I forgot a lot of things.

I hadn't actually talked to Jay for ages. I never knew what to say. But recently, Seb got a job offer for the summer. It's a really good offer - the kind of thing every student in his program would want, and something that also is directly applicable to his dream career. It's in the other corner of the continent though, and since it's a research position that doesn't pay well, he won't have money to come back at all.

Normally, this wouldn't be such a catastrophe, but the last time I said goodbye to a boyfriend for 4 months, it was Jay, and obviously our relationship didn't last. Seb is still deciding whether he's going to go, but I decided to be proactive, and while I was lying awake at night a few weeks ago, I wrote Jay a long email asking why he thought the distance tore us apart, and what I can do better next time. I know it was a little mean, to throw my new relationship in his face, but his feelings are an on-and-off priority for me lately.

When he replied though, it reminded me of all the intensity of the various feelings that I've had for him. So how do you deal with the reminder of love, when you're not even sure you're ever going to love again?