Who Knew?

Today's song: Who Knew? - Pink

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around

I've been thinking a lot about Jay (my ex-boyfriend/ex-best friend). He was the one who helped me through living in a house with my parents. He was the one I laughed with, the one who took me to do cool stuff that I didn't even know existed. He swore up and down and sideways a thousand times that he was always going to be there for me, whether as a friend, or as more.

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong

We broke up a year ago, and for a while, I tried to keep in touch. Some would say that I'm crazy, because he hurt me in ways that I did not deserve. He raped me. I don't care what people say - it's still rape if you agreed to sex earlier in the evening. It's still rape if you're sleeping next to him in bed.

It's rape.

It's rape when he starts fucking you when you're still asleep, and you're not ready, and you're not turned on and you're completely dry. It's rape if he does it out of anger because of the fight you had a couple hours earlier, and you wake up to see the person you love thrusting into you with this mask of cruelty on his face. When you lie there, thinking this must be a nightmare (it has to be - I have nightmares all the time), but slowly realize that it isn't. You're being torn apart. You're bleeding. You're shaking uncontrollably. "I think I'm going into shock" is the most you can get out, and his response is to throw a blanket over you and keep going. He's not even drunk. This is happening sober.

That's rape.

And the worst part is, you can't tell anyone, because he's so sorry the next day, and he still wants to try and be your boyfriend. And he's been your best friend for years, and he saved you from so much of the misery of what your parents did to you.

My university friends would think I was crazy for staying with him. My high school friends would hate him for doing that to me. And although he hurt me terribly, I owe him one for saving me from my parents. So I figure if I keep his secret, we're even.

I did tell Seb though. It helped a bit.

I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

We kept in touch for a while. We'd sent emails back and forth. We both started dating other people. I definitely feel like I 'won' in terms of quality. His girlfriend sounds nice, but just a little bit limited in how smart and interesting she might be. I've never met her though. But I doubt she's in Seb's league.

Then, I got an email where he explained all the ways that I had hurt him. Most of them can be summed up as "You acted like a person who was depressed." I've figured out why - I was depressed. Oh wait, I've known that for years. So had he. It turns out long distance and depression don't make a good combination.

Anyways, he said communicating with me made him nauseous, so I gave him an out. I told him to let me know when he might want to be in contact again. I just want our friendship back, because it was pretty good before it got so screwed up.

He hasn't written since.

I'm going back home in a couple weeks. I don't know yet whether I'm going to break my promise and call him.

But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep

I've been dreaming about Jay. Not always nightmares, although sometimes still. That night he raped me is not going away any time soon. Mostly about being friends again. I dream that he brushes me off, and I chase after him, apologizing. I dream that I'm trying to talk him into forgetting that we had a fight, and he thinks about it, then walks off. I dream that we're fighting wolves together in a fiery inferno, but that's probably not quite as symbolic.

Who knew?

I'd just like to be friends again. First I want to march up, all whole and healthy, and show him that I'm hotter than ever, well on the way to holding an engineering degree, clever, fun and involved in many exciting things. I want to show him how I was not beyond redemption after all.

But then, I want to have a friend again.